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Why do I do what I do?

May 28 2011

It’s an important question to ask of yourself no matter what you do. Everyone should ask themselves this question. Knowing why you do something makes all the difference in the world towards your success at it. So I’m asking it of myself.

I have always been at odds with my creative self. I’m not sure if other creative people have felt the same in their lives, but this is how I have felt. Being the person I am, the type of creative soul that is me seems to mean that I will never be normal. At various times in my life I have both celebrated and regretted this fact.

I was the odd one out in my school as a child when I really wanted to fit in. To be normal. When I reached my twenties I made a ridiculously committed stab at a normal life with the husband and the normal 9-5 job etc.

but there was something inside of me that was undernourished, that is always undernourished when I cease to be creative.

Writing stories, singing, making films or painting are all products of this drive but the product is not the reason I do this, they are as they are – the product of the why.  I can’t not be creative, it’s as if something in me fails to breathe. So I guess that’s why I do what I do. Money and Fame are nice if they happen, but they aren’t my reason to be creative, I am content to be able to pay my bills.

The same thing inside me that drives me to be creative drives my decisions when I am creative. This gut instinct, this living breathing thing inside me that knows when to cut, what shot to use, what volume to sing at is something I am still getting to know. I have yet to put it into words that i feel accurately articulates what it is. I can’t defend these decisions yet when I’m challenged – because it takes me  to the how.

how do I know that a  cut is important? how do I know to sing at that particular volume? I can’t explain this yet. I can’t put it into words. All I am able to say at the moment is ‘because it feels right’. I’m told that it’s because the part of the brain that controls these decisions is not the part of the brain that controls language.

So I suppose my next task is to learn how to articulate for that thing inside me, which will lead me to the answer of – How do I do what I do?

For now: why do I do what I do?

Because It makes me feel alive. Fully alive.

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