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I suck at men, Part 1: The Epic Fail

Dec 19 2011

I have a secret to tell you: I suck at men.

I admitted this to my friends at a birthday party recently and they said nice things like, “That can’t be!” and “But you’re so charming!” and “You’re hot and you are, like, professionally social. How could this possibly be true?”

I love my friends. But the fact remains that I suck at men. Especially men with I like, something fries in my brain and I end up with the social skills of caveman Buffy.

What followed this confession was a round table discussion of FAIL stories about trying to pick up hot guys. So here, in Part 1, is my Epic Fail story:

I went to a party. It was one of the parties that was listed as one of *THE* top parties of the season to attend. So it was a pretty big deal. I switched my outfit a couple times.

I decided on a 60s vintage dress in dark purple and I was ready.

Once I was there I hung with a friend of mine who was one of the people actually organizing the party.

It wasn’t too far into the night when I saw him: Mr Awesome. I noticed him as soon as he walked in because he looked a little nerdy and there weren’t a lot of nerds at this party -  if nerd had been spun dry with awesome, you would come out with this guy. He had thick rimmed glasses and skinny jeans that fit him perfectly. His blond hair was stylishly messy in just that right way. I asked my friend who he was, but she didn’t know.

Now this party had free whisky. Which I participated in regularly, and enthusiastically.

So after some time, and quite a few shots of whisky later, I ended up in that same social group as Mr. Awesome.

I introduced myself and he reciprocated.

“So what do you do?” I asked.

I had no words. He was so sophisticated and intelligent. I had nothing! Nothing I could come up with on the face of this planet could possibly impress this guy, so I said the first thing that came into my head:

I can only imagine this guy’s life. How on the cutting edge of society he must be. How many interesting, world changing news and interviews this guy has been a part of, or politely sat through with a straight face.

He was polite, patient and magnanimous.

There was an awkward pause. Another girl interrupted asking him about a recent trip to new york.

I tried again:

” Oh, I heard the size of the occupy movement in Brooklyn is much larger than has been reported in the press.”

“yes it is.”

 If the conversation had been a horse it would have been shot.

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